


Without You

by halfwit



Series: In Sickness and In Health [11]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Angst, Annoyed Sam, Can be read as a stand alone, Grief, I'm Sorry, Implied Character Death, M/M, Mourning Castiel, Sad, Sad Castiel, Sick Dean, Sick Dean Winchester, Supportive Gabriel, big brother gabe, bring the tissues, cancer fic, part of a verse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-09
Updated: 2016-02-09
Packaged: 2018-05-19 06:57:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5957932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfwit/pseuds/halfwit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn't fair for the world to still be turning, why should the sun shine so brightly when it was the worst day of Castiel's life? Nothing in his experience ever prepared him to live a life without Dean Winchester.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Without You

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this came to me because of the season 4 premiere of Arrow, funnily enough. For those worried about the Major Character Death tag, if you would like, jump to the end note for a spoiler to see if you want to read. This is one of those stories that wouldn't let me go. Although this is part of the Sickness and Health verse, I do think it holds up to a stand alone reading.

The weather today dawned bright and clear, it was a mockery of everything that Castiel Novak was feeling. How could the sky look so blue? How could the sun burn so brightly? How could people go to work and get their coffees like it was a normal day? The fact of the matter is, there was nothing ordinary about this day. Castiel’s life, as he had known it had stopped, and there was no way for him to restart it

Standing in front of the newly turned dirt, the blue-eyed man couldn’t reconcile the brown silt and the gray stone. Surely his love wouldn’t be able to breathe under there. Why had Castiel agreed to this? He knew a funeral was a bad idea – Dean wasn’t dead. He was just resting. He was going to be fine.

A gentle hand rested on Castiel’s shoulder. The man didn’t have to turn around to know it was Gabriel, his older brother. It was a testament to the somber occasion that Gabriel wasn’t sucking on a lollipop or making an obscene joke. In fact, Gabriel seemed almost as shell shocked as Castiel felt. Almost. No one expected Dean to leave them. It was too soon. Hell, even the doctors said he had a fighting chance at five years; and here they were, saying goodbye after not even one.

“I don’t know what to say, Cassie,” Gabriel said, his voice thickened with unshed tears. “I gave him hell a lot of the time, but Dean-o was a good man. I loved him like a brother.”

Castiel nodded. There was nothing he could add. Dean was gone, and all that was left of him was a cold, gray slab. A piece of slate, expressionless that marked the life of his husband, his life. This wasn’t how their lives were supposed to go. Dean was full of vitality and laughter. His eyes shone brighter than the most stunning emeralds. His laughter could warm the coldest cockle of Castiel’s heart and make him smile because of Dean’s mirth. Now, he felt detached.

“I’m supposed to be your big brother,” Gabriel still was talking. “I’m the one who is supposed to teach you how to navigate life. I don’t know how to help you with this.”

Castiel nodded. There was nothing to say. He woke up that morning, expecting the world to feel different, but it didn’t. The world turned. The sun rose, the clouds pillowed through the air, children rode past his house on their bikes. Only Castiel’s world had changed. His sun had set and would never rise again.

The brothers stood in silence, sentinels over the newly churned earth. He felt there should be something profound to be said – but nothing seemed adequate.

“I don’t know what to do, Gabe,’ Castiel finally said, trying to fight the battle against his own tears. “I never thought this would happen. Dean always seemed so untouchable to me. Even when he was at his worst, he would crack jokes to make me smile, and find a million little ways to take care of me, when I should have been doing the taking care of the both of us.”

“He loved you so much,” Gabriel agreed, his own tears falling steadily. “He would have done anything for you.”

“Then why didn’t he?” Castiel yelled, his calm demeanor completely abandoned. “All he needed to do was live, God dammit. I am twenty-seven years old. How the hell am I supposed to go on without the love of my fucking life at twenty-seven? I’ve never really been without him. How do I go on without him?”

“Shhh,” Gabriel comforted, pulling his brother in to a bear hug and rubbing his hand up his shuddering shoulders. “This is day one. It’s going to suck big time; but, the birds will continue to sing, and the flowers will continue to grow, and you, baby brother, will get up each morning and put one foot in front of the other and live. You will live for Dean, because that is what he would want for you. He wouldn’t want you to give up your life, or to become a shadow of yourself. And, he will haunt my ass if I let that happen to you.”

“That’s not funny, Gabriel,” Castiel choked out between sobs.

“It’s a little funny,” the older brother said with a watery smile, echoing Dean’s favorite come back for his lame jokes, which only made Castiel sob harder.

“I never wanted to do this without him,” Castiel admitted. “I never imagined a world where I outlived him.”

“I know, baby bro, I know,” Gabriel said, and held on as tightly as he could. “I’m here, and Sam’s here, and Mom, and Ellen and Bobby. We are going to get through this together.”

“What if I don’t want to?” Castiel whispered into his brother’s neck, feeling much like he had when they were much younger and Castiel had a bad dream.

“Then you disrespect Dean’s memory and everything he stood for,” Gabriel said, a hint of steel edging in to his voice.

Castiel’s head snapped back as though he’d been struck. He never would do anything to dishonor his husband, it just hurt so much. He just wanted to close his eyes and slip into oblivion, where it was black and peaceful and the pain couldn’t reach him.

“Cas?” he heard a voice calling him from far away, but it didn’t sound like Gabriel’s. He squeezed his eyes shut more tightly. He was done dealing with things for the day.

“Cas?!” the familiar voice was louder and more insistent, but Castiel was stubborn and grieving, he was not giving in.

“God dammit, Castiel, wake the fuck up,” the voice was angry now, and the command was followed by a sharp slap to the back of his head.

Within seconds Castiel blinked his eyes open, and tried to adjust to what he was seeing. Where the hell was he? Just moments ago, he’d been at Dean’s graveside, and now he was sitting in a garish blue plastic chair in a white walled room. Had he lost his mind? Had he been committed to a psychiatric institute?

“Come on, man,” the voice repeated and Castiel looked up – far up – and found himself starting at Sam Winchester, and his brother-in-law looked exhausted and pissed off. “I just got the call from Benny, Dean’s out of surgery.”

The words didn’t make sense. They seemed like the punch line of a particularly sick joke. Dean wasn’t in surgery, Dean wasn’t here anymore, and Dean had died and left Castiel alone.

Blinking his eyes rapidly, trying to clear away the sleep heavy cobwebs in his mind, Castiel started to put the pieces together. It had been a dream. Dean was very ill from a relapse of his gastric cancer, and he was undergoing experimental surgery to help with the growth of the biggest tumor, in the hopes it would reduce the amount of chemotherapy he would need.

Castiel’s eyes widened and he shot out of his chair in an instant, sleep completely gone from his mind. Dean was alive. It had all been a dream – he was never eating chocolate again before sleep.

Unable to control his swirling emotions, Castiel grabbed his gigantor of a brother-in-law in a monster hug.

“Hey man, what’s got in to you?” Sam questioned, pulling himself out of Castiel’s grasp.

“It’s a great day, Sam,” Castiel said, wiping stray tears from his eyes. “I get to go see my husband, and I am never letting him go.”

“O-o-o-o-kay,” Sam drawled out the word, obviously realizing he was missing something, but not wanting to push. “Let’s go see, Dean.”

Castiel nodded eagerly, not wanting to spend another minute without the love of his life.

**Author's Note:**

> For those coming for the spoiler - Dean is not dead. Castiel has a very vivid and overactive imagination in times of stress (as we saw before in No Day But Today), and with Dean having experimental surgery for his cancer, Castiel's brain leaped to the worst possible outcome.
> 
> For those who have read the whole sordid tale, I thank you a million times over. I have spent a lot of time in hospitals lately with my mother and have contemplated some of these same questions/fears myself, so this was a story that I just needed to get out. I hope you enjoyed it, and don't hate me too badly. Thank you again for all your support during this trying time.


End file.
